Grief - Some things to expect
Text Job 6, 7 Time 28/05/00 Place Childs Hill Baptist Church
I was talking to someone the other day about a person we both know who has lost someone very close to him in the last 12 months. They said, ‘He’s reached the bitterness stage now. He’s asking why God let it happen and things like that.’ There are certainly stages in the grieving process and whenever we go through the trauma of a great loss it is important to remember that – both for ourselves and as we try to help others. Our emotions and moods are going to vary in the light of what has happened. On one hand, there will be variation from day to day and, on the other hand, there will be general patterns or phases.
I was talking to someone the other day about a person we both know who has lost someone very close to him in the last 12 months. They said, ‘He’s reached the bitterness stage now. He’s asking why God let it happen and things like that.’ There are certainly stages in the grieving process and whenever we go through the trauma of a great loss it is important to remember that – both for ourselves and as we try to help others. Our emotions and moods are going to vary in the light of what has happened. On one hand, there will be variation from day to day and, on the other hand, there will be general patterns or phases.
We have already seen Job strong and confident (Chapters 1 and 2); then there was numbed silence followed by expressions of great despair and many questions (Chapter 3). Here (in Chapters 6 and 7) we see him angry and frustrated. Anger itself is not a sinful thing. God himself is angry with sinners. The difficult thing with anger is keeping it under control. It is a bit like fire. It is liable to break out and do a great deal of damage. We must be very careful, therefore when we feel angry. In your anger do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry is the Bible’s exhortation (Psalm 4:4 and Ephesians 4:26).
Here Eliphaz, the first of Job’s three friends to speak, has spoken but far from helping Job he has hindered him. Eliphaz was convinced that suffering is caused by sin and so Job must have sinned. We know, however, that that diagnosis is wrong. Here (Chapters 6 and 7) Job replies to Eliphaz, although it is not a reply in the proper sense but rather an expression of his anger at his alienation and distress. It gives us an insight into Job’s sufferings and prepares us for what may lie ahead – for us or for those we seek to help. In 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 Paul speaks of the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. One of the ways the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort comforts his children is by giving them an insight into suffering and grief through his Word in chapters like these.
1. Expect a sense of alienation
Here Eliphaz, the first of Job’s three friends to speak, has spoken but far from helping Job he has hindered him. Eliphaz was convinced that suffering is caused by sin and so Job must have sinned. We know, however, that that diagnosis is wrong. Here (Chapters 6 and 7) Job replies to Eliphaz, although it is not a reply in the proper sense but rather an expression of his anger at his alienation and distress. It gives us an insight into Job’s sufferings and prepares us for what may lie ahead – for us or for those we seek to help. In 2 Corinthians 1:3, 4 Paul speaks of the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. One of the ways the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort comforts his children is by giving them an insight into suffering and grief through his Word in chapters like these.
1. Expect a sense of alienation
Firstly, in Chapter 6, Job speaks to his friends. As he speaks, it becomes clear that he had a great sense of alienation or estrangement. This is a common feeling among those who grieve. They feel cut off; there is discord and withdrawal. This is to be expected.
1. Expect a sense of alienation from God
1. Expect a sense of alienation from God
In 6:1-7 Job seeks to justify his previous outburst. As he speaks, it becomes clear that he feels alienation from God. If only my anguish could be weighed and all my misery be placed on the scales! he says. Despite great efforts on the part of some to measure pain it has been found impossible. If this is true of physical pain how mush more of mental torture. Job wishes there was some way his anguish and his misery could be measured. It would surely outweigh the sand of the seas he says. Put all the wet sand you can find in one pan, he says, then put my misery and anguish in the other pan and it would soon tip the scales. His argument is that it is no wonder his words have been impetuous. Of course, the New Testament answer is Matthew 11:28 Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest but simply quoting that text will not solve a person’s problems. It is easy to criticise the reactions of others or assume that their problems can easily be solved but we must take into account the burden they bear.
He describes what has happened to him in these terms (4) The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God’s terrors are marshalled against me. There is no argument between Job and his friends about the fact that his suffering comes from God. This is one of the Bible’s assumptions and one that we should make too. If we suffer it is because God has allowed it to happen. But for Job, at this present time, there is no comfort in realising this. It only adds to his distress.
Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass, or an ox bellow when it has fodder? His bellowing and braying are the result of his deprivations. Verse 6 (Is tasteless food eaten without salt, or is there flavour in the white of an egg?) is more difficult to understand. Probably his point is that just as you put salt on tasteless food so it is right that losses should be met with expressions of grief. The idea of suffering any longer in silence repels Job - I refuse to touch it; such food makes me ill.
On the cross, the Lord Jesus himself cried out My God, my God why have you forsaken me? He knew what alienation from God was all about and is fully able to sympathise with those who have such feelings. When people grieve it is of no comfort in itself to know that their suffering comes from God. This often simply leads to an increased sense of alienation. It is part of their suffering. We must maintain this truth, therefore, but not expect there to be any immediate comfort in it. In due time it will be a comfort to the believer, nevertheless.
2. Expect a sense of alienation from yourself
He describes what has happened to him in these terms (4) The arrows of the Almighty are in me, my spirit drinks in their poison; God’s terrors are marshalled against me. There is no argument between Job and his friends about the fact that his suffering comes from God. This is one of the Bible’s assumptions and one that we should make too. If we suffer it is because God has allowed it to happen. But for Job, at this present time, there is no comfort in realising this. It only adds to his distress.
Does a wild donkey bray when it has grass, or an ox bellow when it has fodder? His bellowing and braying are the result of his deprivations. Verse 6 (Is tasteless food eaten without salt, or is there flavour in the white of an egg?) is more difficult to understand. Probably his point is that just as you put salt on tasteless food so it is right that losses should be met with expressions of grief. The idea of suffering any longer in silence repels Job - I refuse to touch it; such food makes me ill.
On the cross, the Lord Jesus himself cried out My God, my God why have you forsaken me? He knew what alienation from God was all about and is fully able to sympathise with those who have such feelings. When people grieve it is of no comfort in itself to know that their suffering comes from God. This often simply leads to an increased sense of alienation. It is part of their suffering. We must maintain this truth, therefore, but not expect there to be any immediate comfort in it. In due time it will be a comfort to the believer, nevertheless.
2. Expect a sense of alienation from yourself
Job goes on to once again express his desire to die and his sense of weakness and hopelessness. Again these are typical and well express the feelings of a man alienated not only from God but from his very self.
1 Expect desires for death. He expresses his desire for death in verses 8 and 9 Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off! Job feels trapped like a prisoner, God’s hand is holding him down - and he wants to be free. God has been weaving the tapestry of his life and now he wants the job to be finished and for God to cut off the thread. The reason he wants to die is that (10) Then I would still have this consolation - my joy in unrelenting pain - that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. He is conscious of his anger getting out of control and although he feels alienated from God he does not want to deny the words of the Holy One. We have more than one example in Scripture of servants of God who wanted to die – think of Elijah, Jonah and Jeremiah for example. Are you concerned not to deny the words of God the Holy One? It is right that we should be concerned about this. On the other hand wanting to die is not the answer. God has decreed the day of your birth and the day of your death. We must be patient until the day of death – it will come soon enough. And after death, remember, the day of judgement.
2 Expect a sense of weakness and hopelessness. Job continues (11-13) What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me? It is very easy to feel confident when all is going well but then we run into trouble and everything looks different. Of course, this is closer to reality but it is not pleasant to be in such a position. Suffering and grief bring us to an end of ourselves. We should not be surprised by such feelings of alienation when we grieve. It is then that we must cast ourselves entirely upon the Lord. The Lord Jesus, remember, is our great High Priest who (Hebrews 4:15, 5:2) is not unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but … who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin … He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness.
3. Expect a sense of alienation from your friends
1 Expect desires for death. He expresses his desire for death in verses 8 and 9 Oh, that I might have my request, that God would grant what I hope for, that God would be willing to crush me, to let loose his hand and cut me off! Job feels trapped like a prisoner, God’s hand is holding him down - and he wants to be free. God has been weaving the tapestry of his life and now he wants the job to be finished and for God to cut off the thread. The reason he wants to die is that (10) Then I would still have this consolation - my joy in unrelenting pain - that I had not denied the words of the Holy One. He is conscious of his anger getting out of control and although he feels alienated from God he does not want to deny the words of the Holy One. We have more than one example in Scripture of servants of God who wanted to die – think of Elijah, Jonah and Jeremiah for example. Are you concerned not to deny the words of God the Holy One? It is right that we should be concerned about this. On the other hand wanting to die is not the answer. God has decreed the day of your birth and the day of your death. We must be patient until the day of death – it will come soon enough. And after death, remember, the day of judgement.
2 Expect a sense of weakness and hopelessness. Job continues (11-13) What strength do I have, that I should still hope? What prospects, that I should be patient? Do I have the strength of stone? Is my flesh bronze? Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me? It is very easy to feel confident when all is going well but then we run into trouble and everything looks different. Of course, this is closer to reality but it is not pleasant to be in such a position. Suffering and grief bring us to an end of ourselves. We should not be surprised by such feelings of alienation when we grieve. It is then that we must cast ourselves entirely upon the Lord. The Lord Jesus, remember, is our great High Priest who (Hebrews 4:15, 5:2) is not unable to sympathise with our weaknesses, but … who has been tempted in every way, just as we are - yet was without sin … He is able to deal gently with those who are ignorant and are going astray, since he himself is subject to weakness.
3. Expect a sense of alienation from your friends
As we have said, Eliphaz was not much help to Job and that only added to Job’s misery. Part of grieving often involves a sense, just or unjust, of being let down by others. Even the very best friends will not be able to do all that we wish and often they will fail anyway. This also is to be expected.
1 Expect to be disappointed with friends. In verse 14 Job declares A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though (or lest) he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. This is the test of friendship as far as Job is concerned. He is not saying that unbelief should be defended but he is saying that friends must be friends however bad it gets. Are we friends of that sort? Job felt Eliphaz and the others had not been such friends because they were so quick to condemn him as a sinner without listening to him.
In a very poetic extended metaphor he describes them as being like wadis - that overflow in winter when darkened by thawing ice and swollen with melting snow, but that cease to flow in the dry season, and in the heat vanish from their channels. He vividly describes caravans of merchants from Tema or Sheba in Arabia travelling through the wasteland looking for water and being disappointed and distressed, because they had been confident; they arrive there, only to be disappointed. It is a poignant picture and describes, of course, Job’s own disappointment in the attitude of his friends. The oasis of friendship had proved to be a mirage. (21) Now you too have proved to be of no help; he says you see something dreadful and are afraid. Perhaps Job is saying here that it is their fear of identifying too closely with him that is the problem. They are keen to defend God but their theology is poor and so they lack sympathy for the one they are supposed to be trying to help. Job asks (22, 23) Have I ever said, Give something on my behalf, pay a ransom for me from your wealth, deliver me from the hand of the enemy, ransom me from the clutches of the ruthless? If he had asked them to pay money or mount a dangerous rescue mission then their reluctance to get involved might have been understandable but he has simply asked for sympathy. That is something important to remember. Those who are in trouble are simply asking for sympathy in a crisis. They are not asking us to solve every problem or somehow deliver them. They are not asking for money or for us to endanger our own lives. They simply desire sympathy and comfort from us. One would think it easy enough but we should not be surprised when we do not get it. At such times believers must remember that in the Lord Jesus Christ they have a friend who sticks closer than a brother and look to him. He knew what it was to be deserted by all but he himself never fails his own. Think of how his friends failed him in Gethsemane and beyond.
2 Expect to have to defend yourself and plead for help. Eliphaz’s argument was that as suffering comes because of sin and Job is suffering, Job must have sinned. But if that was true what was Job’s sin? Teach me, he says (24) and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. In verse 25 he adds How painful are honest words - the point probably being that he knows Eliphaz has spoken frankly But what do your arguments prove? So far they have simply treated him as a windbag not listening to him properly (Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat the words of a despairing man as wind?) They are like men gambling or bartering for a slave (You would even cast lots for the fatherless and barter away your friend. He adds (28) But now be so kind as to look at me. Would I lie to your face? If there was any sin he would confess it. Relent, he pleads do not be unjust; reconsider, for my integrity is at stake. Is there any wickedness on my lips? Can my mouth not discern malice? How they have reduced Job. Expect such feelings, expect to be put in that sort of position when you are in grief. It may not come to that, hopefully, but it may. Be prepared. Think how the Lord Jesus had to rebuke Peter when he opposed him.
2. Expect a sense of distress
1 Expect to be disappointed with friends. In verse 14 Job declares A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends, even though (or lest) he forsakes the fear of the Almighty. This is the test of friendship as far as Job is concerned. He is not saying that unbelief should be defended but he is saying that friends must be friends however bad it gets. Are we friends of that sort? Job felt Eliphaz and the others had not been such friends because they were so quick to condemn him as a sinner without listening to him.
In a very poetic extended metaphor he describes them as being like wadis - that overflow in winter when darkened by thawing ice and swollen with melting snow, but that cease to flow in the dry season, and in the heat vanish from their channels. He vividly describes caravans of merchants from Tema or Sheba in Arabia travelling through the wasteland looking for water and being disappointed and distressed, because they had been confident; they arrive there, only to be disappointed. It is a poignant picture and describes, of course, Job’s own disappointment in the attitude of his friends. The oasis of friendship had proved to be a mirage. (21) Now you too have proved to be of no help; he says you see something dreadful and are afraid. Perhaps Job is saying here that it is their fear of identifying too closely with him that is the problem. They are keen to defend God but their theology is poor and so they lack sympathy for the one they are supposed to be trying to help. Job asks (22, 23) Have I ever said, Give something on my behalf, pay a ransom for me from your wealth, deliver me from the hand of the enemy, ransom me from the clutches of the ruthless? If he had asked them to pay money or mount a dangerous rescue mission then their reluctance to get involved might have been understandable but he has simply asked for sympathy. That is something important to remember. Those who are in trouble are simply asking for sympathy in a crisis. They are not asking us to solve every problem or somehow deliver them. They are not asking for money or for us to endanger our own lives. They simply desire sympathy and comfort from us. One would think it easy enough but we should not be surprised when we do not get it. At such times believers must remember that in the Lord Jesus Christ they have a friend who sticks closer than a brother and look to him. He knew what it was to be deserted by all but he himself never fails his own. Think of how his friends failed him in Gethsemane and beyond.
2 Expect to have to defend yourself and plead for help. Eliphaz’s argument was that as suffering comes because of sin and Job is suffering, Job must have sinned. But if that was true what was Job’s sin? Teach me, he says (24) and I will be quiet; show me where I have been wrong. In verse 25 he adds How painful are honest words - the point probably being that he knows Eliphaz has spoken frankly But what do your arguments prove? So far they have simply treated him as a windbag not listening to him properly (Do you mean to correct what I say, and treat the words of a despairing man as wind?) They are like men gambling or bartering for a slave (You would even cast lots for the fatherless and barter away your friend. He adds (28) But now be so kind as to look at me. Would I lie to your face? If there was any sin he would confess it. Relent, he pleads do not be unjust; reconsider, for my integrity is at stake. Is there any wickedness on my lips? Can my mouth not discern malice? How they have reduced Job. Expect such feelings, expect to be put in that sort of position when you are in grief. It may not come to that, hopefully, but it may. Be prepared. Think how the Lord Jesus had to rebuke Peter when he opposed him.
2. Expect a sense of distress
In Chapter 7, having spoken to his friends, Job speaks to God. He speaks of his misery and his anguish. Again there are many questions. Again, Job’s reaction is typical of those in grief. There are things for us to learn here.
1. Expect to suffer misery
1. Expect to suffer misery
Job begins by speaking of the miseries of life. In his condition, he is acutely aware of them. When we are suffering and grieving that is what happens. We have a heightened sense of life’s futility and misery. Does not man have hard service on earth? he says. He pictures life as that of being Like a slave toiling under the hot sun and longing for the evening shadows, or a hired man waiting eagerly for his wages. He sees his life as a futile one allotted to him by God. He could not even rest when night fell. Suffering and grief often seems worse when night comes. He talks of the nights of misery … assigned to him. He lies down at night in misery and longs for the morning. The night drags on, and I toss till dawn he says. And no wonder – his body is clothed with worms and scabs, his skin is broken and festering. The nights were long for Job but the days passed quickly. Verse 6 My days are swifter than a weaver’s shuttle, and they come to an end without hope. The threads of hope were fast running out for Job. He is clearly angry about that.
Job is especially aware of the brevity of life. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; he prays my eyes will never see happiness again. Of course, this latter statement was wrong. But that is how Job felt. He is sure he will die soon enough – (8-10) The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so he who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
2. Expect to suffer anguish
Job is especially aware of the brevity of life. Remember, O God, that my life is but a breath; he prays my eyes will never see happiness again. Of course, this latter statement was wrong. But that is how Job felt. He is sure he will die soon enough – (8-10) The eye that now sees me will see me no longer; you will look for me, but I will be no more. As a cloud vanishes and is gone, so he who goes down to the grave does not return. He will never come to his house again; his place will know him no more.
2. Expect to suffer anguish
It is clear that Job is not suffering only in a physical way. He is in deep anguish and his anger is rising. In verse 11 he says Therefore I will not keep silent; I will speak out in the anguish of my spirit, I will complain in the bitterness of my soul. As we have said, anger is a dangerous thing because it can so easily get out of control. Anger and bitterness are common when we have suffered a great loss. Here Job speaks to God in his anger. He asks God (12) Am I the sea, or the monster of the deep, that you put me under guard? He wants God to leave him alone. But When I think my bed will comfort me and my couch will ease my complaint, even then you frighten me with dreams and terrify me with visions, so that I prefer strangling and death, rather than this body of mine. And so he says (16) I despise my life; I would not live for ever. Let me alone; my days have no meaning. Again there is the sense of futility and the desire to die, to escape from God.
3. Expect to have many questions
3. Expect to have many questions
Finally, in verses 17-21, we have a series of questions addressed to God followed by a rather petulant statement of defiance. Something to expect when a person is grieving is questions. Many questions come. Some of them are genuine questions, some are mere grumbles. Some are worth answering, some are better left unanswered. Here Job wants to know What is man that you make so much of him, that you give him so much attention, that you examine him every morning and test him every moment? It begins like Psalm 8 but is not a question full of wonder but rather a complaint. Why won’t God leave me alone a moment? He goes on (verse 19) Will you never look away from me, or let me alone even for an instant? If I have sinned, as Eliphaz contends what have I done to you, O watcher of men? Job asks God. He wants to know Why have you made me your target? Have I become a burden to you? {or myself}. If this suffering really is a result of sin Why do you not pardon my offences and forgive my sins? It is difficult to know where to begin with such a torrent of questions. We must say, however, that Eliphaz is wrong in his diagnosis. On the other hand, Job is not helping himself here. Better to be calm and to patiently wait.
His final statement here For I shall soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I shall be no more is a defiant one. It’s like a child angry with his parents. ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m dead!’ Children and even adults do say foolish things when they are angry and grieving. They are best passed over.
Here we gain some insight into grief and suffering, then, and that includes the suffering and grief of Christ. If we understood it better we would be:
His final statement here For I shall soon lie down in the dust; you will search for me, but I shall be no more is a defiant one. It’s like a child angry with his parents. ‘You’ll be sorry when I’m dead!’ Children and even adults do say foolish things when they are angry and grieving. They are best passed over.
Here we gain some insight into grief and suffering, then, and that includes the suffering and grief of Christ. If we understood it better we would be:
1 Able to help ourselves more in such troubles
2 Able to help others more
3 Understand and appreciate the Saviour more, the Saviour who suffered and died on the cross for sinners.
