Courtship - Self perceptions and desires, getting it right
Text Song of Songs 1:5-8 Date 02/02/20 Place Childs Hill Baptist
We have begun a new sermon series on the Song of Solomon. We have looked at the first four verses of the book. This evening I would like us to go on with verses 5-8. In these verses the Shulammite, the woman, speaks and then in verse 8, the friends again comment.
We said something about right desire and its expression last week. This week we turn to the matter of how people should rightly think of themselves and why; how to lovingly pursue another and, again, what onlookers should think and do. We want to say four things
1. Is your self-perception right?
In 1:5 the woman is speaking to the daughters of Jerusalem. These are, presumably, relatively sophisticated women who live in the capital city, at the hub of the nation. As this country girl speaks about herself, it is clear that she is rather self-conscious in their presence. For the first time she expresses a little self-doubt and insecurity. She begins Dark am I, yet lovely, O daughters of Jerusalem, dark like the tents of Kedar, like the tent curtains of Solomon.
Women’s fashions change, as do opinions on what is attractive. At certain times in the 19th Century the bustle was popular. In the 1920s, a flat chest was felt to be essential for a woman. At one time long skirts and natural colours may be popular but then it is the turn of shorter skirts and brighter colours. Trends come, trends go.
There are cultural differences too. It has been noted how western women often try to make their eyes look more like those of eastern women and how eastern women frequently try to look more like western women. In some countries ‘thin is in and stout is out’ while in others ‘fat’s where it’s at; no-one’s keen on lean’. While some African women are busy trying to lighten their skin colour with cosmetics, creams and drugs, North European women are under the sun lamp or busy with fake tan, trying to achieve the opposite effect!
In Solomon’s time, the desire was for light coloured skin; indeed, the paler the better. Whatever shade of skin this woman was born with, it was certainly now darker than she desired. We shall say why in a moment. The first point to notice, however, is that she was wondering how, as unattractive as she is sure she is, she could be of any interest to the great Solomon.
Having said all this, do notice a paradox. At the same time she says that she is lovely. Indeed, by referring to the black tents of Kedar, the goat hide tents of the desert Bedouin tribes south east of Damascus, darkened by their exposure to the elements, and to the tent curtains of Solomon (probably those in his palace) she may be suggesting the idea not only of blackness on the outside but also treasure within. Alternatively, the rough tents of Kedar may correspond to her darkness and the well-crafted tent curtains of Solomon which could be colourful not dark, would refer to her loveliness. Isaac Watts took it that way. “Though in ourselves deformed we are, And black as Kedar’s tents appear, Yet, when we put thy beauties on, Fair as the courts of Solomon.”
Her ambivalence is typical of adolescent self-perception and the attitudes of young lovers. In a more balanced way, it is also a theme in Scripture with regard first to the Messiah, then to the believer and his perceptions of himself.
Isaiah 53:2 says of Messiah He grew up before him like a tender shoot, and like a root out of dry ground. He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him, nothing in his appearance that we should desire him. And yet we know that ultimately he has everything to make us desire him. In Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form (Col 2:9) and he has great glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth (Jn 1:14).
As for believers, they are free from condemnation (Rom 8:1); full of goodness and complete in knowledge (Rom 15:14); the world is not worthy of them (Heb 11:38) yet they are nothing in and of themselves. In Paul’s words Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:16-18 We have the treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We know that God gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak (Isa 40:29) and though our heart and flesh fail, we can say with Asaph (Ps 73:26) God is the strength of my heart and my portion for ever. That is why we are to seek what Peter calls the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. (2 Pet 3:4).
Also, think of the disjuncture between the unbelieving world’s attitude to believers and how God sees us. Paul is fond of this contrast. He says of himself and other apostles, in words partly reminiscent of the Beloved’s own, To this very hour we go hungry and thirsty, we are in rags, we are brutally treated, we are homeless. We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. Up to this moment we have become the scum of the earth, the refuse of the world. 1 Cor 4:11-13
Psalm 149:4 tells us that the LORD takes delight in his people; he crowns the humble with salvation. Another relevant verse is 1 John 3:1 How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him.
There is a remarkable mixture of modesty and self-assurance in this woman, then. She knows that she is unworthy of him, yet she also knows that Solomon is attracted to her. That same fusion of humility and confidence ought to be with us in our relationships. As the saying goes, we all have a lot to be humble about. Even the best of us, what have we really achieved? There is certainly something very unattractive about boasting. On the other hand, if we are believers, we are aware that we all have God-given graces and talents, various assets with which the Lord has provided us.
The corollary is that we cannot reasonably expect perfection in others. A person may seem faultless to us at first but we can be sure that there are insecurities and anxieties, spots and blemishes, imperfections and flaws, for us to regret and to cover over.
God has made men and women with cravings for intimacy, with sexual desire, and if you aspire to such things there is no reason why, if you are realistic, you should not find sexual intimacy with someone in Christ. More than that, God has made us for himself and, although we are sinful and unworthy, he nevertheless wants men and women like us, and boys and girls too, to come to Jesus Christ and to be intimately related to him.
It sounds crazy on the face of it, perhaps. Many mock the idea. ‘Why would King Solomon be interested in a poor farm girl?’ ‘Why would the King of Kings be interested in someone like me? Why should he want to know me?’ Yet that is the plain teaching of Scripture. Human love is a great thing. It is usually a wonderful feeling to know that someone wants to marry you. ‘Me? Why should they want to spend their life with me?’
Even greater still is to know that Jesus wants me. And he does. Do you know that? Do you realise how great his desires for you? Have you come to him yet? Have you known his intimate embrace? His arms are open, outstretched in love to all who will come to him. Come to him today.
The hymn ‘in tenderness he sought me’ pictures the Lord as the Good Samaritan and includes the striking line ‘I wondered what he saw in me, to suffer such deep agony.’
It is a common thought for Christian writers. In 1962 an American Indian believer, Martin N Huaxcuatitla, wrote a hymn in Tetelcingo Aztec, which translates ‘What did you see in me beloved and blesséd God? I have nothing good to offer, my Lord Jesus Christ.’
Just before her death in 1863, Jane Crewdson wrote “O Saviour, I have naught to plead, In earth beneath or heaven above, But just my own exceeding need, And thy exceeding love.
The need will soon be past and gone, Exceeding great, but quickly o’er; The love unbought is all thine own, And lasts forevermore.”
Listen to Jesus’ wooing words (Matt 11:28-30) Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.
2. Do you understand your self-nature rightly?
The Beloved goes on speaking to the friends in 1:6 do not stare at me because I am dark, because I am darkened by the sun. My mother's sons were angry with me and made me take care of the vineyards; my own vineyard I had to neglect.
Although a very minor difference genetically, the melanin that colours our skin can be quite noticeable. Shades vary from one ethnic grouping to another and within ethnic groups as well. We are all affected to a greater or lesser extent too by solar rays. Obviously in the days before a detailed knowledge of the sun’s ultra-violet beams, before suntan lotions, creams and oils with their various sun protection factors, those who did not have to go out into the fields and work, that is the rich city folk, tended to have the lighter coloured skin. Those who worked hard in the fields, that is the poor country folk, tended to have darker skin. The reason that this woman was dark - not literally black as the tents of Kedar but darker than Solomon certainly – was because she was disadvantaged and had had to work in the fields. This was a social matter then, not a racial one.
She'd been forced to do this, it transpires, to enrich her brothers (probably her stepbrothers; they are called her mother’s children; no father is mentioned here or elsewhere. Presumably he'd died). Here is male headship again but this time in a perverted and predatory form. We don't know why they were angry with her. There is a play on their being hot with anger and sending her out to work in the hot sun. She was very conscious of her darkness and felt the people’s stares as they gawped and gazed at her whenever she was in town. It was embarrassing, awkward. It made her feel uncomfortable, ashamed.
The woman goes further. She has to confess that although she has taken care of other vineyards, literally and metaphorically, my own vineyard I have neglected. This is not a reference to her being promiscuous or over-chaste. Rather, it refers to what we may term her sex appeal. Her vineyard is her appearance and person. A well-kept vineyard is natural yet orderly. It's a useful metaphor for a woman’s person (or a man’s for that matter). The need for self-cultivation is ever present.
The matter of self-image raises itself here again, then. Physically, temperamentally and in other ways we are limited as to what we can achieve. We must, on one hand, struggle to improve, and on the other, learn to accept that certain things are as they are. We need to try and make progress while recognising our own limitations. Getting the balance is not always easy. Why are we as we are? Because we are in a world that, although created perfect by God, is a sinful, fallen world where we sin and are sinned against; where things are blemished and blighted, defective and damaged, substandard and spoiled. This leaves its mark. The various trials and tests that we face can be discouraging at times. We are filled with shame and disgrace. It is humiliating.
We were created in God’s image but that image is twisted and marred. While taking sin seriously we must not become disheartened but see that, although such things make us ‘dark’, under God we can also be ‘lovely’ in the eyes of Christ. He does not overlook sin, of course, but he understands why we have the faults and flaws in us that we do and also where these are not of our own making. We can be delivered from guilt and shame through him and what he has done on the cross. The image of God in us can be reconstituted through gazing into the face of Christ.
Preaching on 1:5, 6, Richard Sibbes taught that God’s people are imperfect on earth (outwardly and inwardly). God allows this in order to draw us from earth, humble us and increase our patience. We must confess our blackness to him and long for heaven, not being discouraged but seeing our glory. Our sovereign deliverer can help us as he has his saints in the past. We must remain upright and refrain from fretting. We must be humble and learn to be encouraged. There is glory, in the midst of many defects and disgrace, in our new name, nature, fortune, family and Guide. How blind we are by nature but what comfort is here! Lets not be like flies on a wound or dogs among rubbish, over-emphasising deficiencies. That is a defiant, unjust and thoroughly bad way to act.
We must take courage then and learn to go to God with the right mixture of modesty and assurance, lowliness and boldness, meekness and confidence, humility and daring. He crowns the humble with salvation (Ps 149:4). We can say confidently with David (Ps 27:10, 13) Though my father and mother forsake me, the LORD will receive me. …. I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living. All we need do is Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD (Ps 27:14).
3. Do you rightly have self-respect
In 1:7 the woman speaks to the King and makes her request Tell me, you whom I love, where you graze your flock and where you rest your sheep at midday. Why should I be like a veiled woman beside the flocks of your friends?
Whether Solomon was literally a shepherd, like his father, does not entirely matter. She is speaking of him in poetic and romantic terms. The words flock and sheep have been supplied by the translators and, as in other places, some writers see a sexual double entendre in the words graze and rest. Such suggestions are notoriously difficult to assess. Some people can give anything a sexual connotation. It is wiser not to be too eager to find such phenomena.
The woman wants to come and see him and so she wants to know exactly where to find him. She wears a veil to hide her identity from others but doesn't want people to think she is ‘a veiled woman’, which probably means a prostitute. Not all veiled women were prostitutes but remember how Tamar in Genesis covered herself with a veil … at the entrance to Enaim, which is on the road to Timnah when she took up that role (Gen 38:14). If the Beloved knows where her Lover is she will not need to wander from field to field, possibly giving the impression that she is not respectable. She wants to be with her Lover but doesn't want to do anything to lose her good reputation in the process. She wants to see him in the right way and at the right time too - midday not midnight. Midday, of course, is the hottest part of the day, quite oppressive in that part of the world, necessitating rest in the shade for the flock. At this time the sheep would not be demanding the shepherd’s full attention either.
So we learn a little more of the woman’s commendable character. She wants to be respectable. She wants to conduct herself demurely and in the proper way. How admirable. Whenever people pursue a relationship, it is important that they do so with the utmost propriety and decorum. There must be nothing sleazy or shady about it, nothing seedy or sordid. Young people should meet each other in public, in open places such as in church, around the family table, at a bowling alley or somewhere similar. A parked car on a dimly lit street or the gloom of a discotheque or somewhere like that is not a good place. Further, women who are eager to be desired must be careful not to give the wrong impression. Great care must be taken, especially in our day and age, over choice of clothing and manner of conduct.
At the same time, it is important for young people/older singles to meet one another. Accessibility is an important factor in any relationship going forward. Couples that spend no time together are bound to have problems. Deliberately playing hard to get is not an acceptable strategy in courtship.
On the vertical level, it is equally true that time is necessary to build a relationship with the Lord. "Take time to be holy. Speak oft with thy Lord ... Take time to be holy, the world rushes on. Spend much time in secret, with Jesus alone. There are no quick fixes or instant solutions. Like every other relationship quality time is vital."
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We also learn something here about the Lover’s character. He is pictured as a shepherd, a favourite image for a leader in Scripture, especially the Lord himself. It conjures up a hardworking yet tender and sympathetic picture. Here is one who cares for his flocks and fights off attacks from wild animals and so will care for all those who come to him. Go to Jesus the Good Shepherd, the Great Shepherd, the Chief Shepherd. He will watch over you and he will care for you.
"Pray Dear Saviour, tell us where Thy sweetest pastures grow, Thither with haste would we advance, Where living waters flow. Direct us to thy flock, With them may we abide, Protected from the noon-day beams, And resting near thy side." (Beddome).
4. Are you unselfish?
We note, finally, the words in 1:8 If you do not know, most beautiful of women, follow the tracks of the sheep and graze your young goats by the tents of the shepherds.
These could be someone else’s words. If they are the man’s, he is probably being playful or teasing. They appear to be spoken by the friends. They want this woman to know where to find her Shepherd Lover. Notice as well how complimentary they are. It could be sarcasm but it is more likely that they are sincere. It is certainly our job to encourage each other always.
They tell the woman where to look for her Lover. It is obvious in some ways – he is with his sheep, of course! They are not so much informing her as encouraging her. As for her young goats, we remember how Jesus contrasts goats unfavourably with sheep (Matt 25, drawing on Eze 34:17) but to speak of her dark and unruly goats of waywardness coming under the tender care of these shepherds is probably to push the image too far.
So we ought to do what we can to encourage healthy, biblically-shaped relationships between people and do all we can to show them the way to the Lord Jesus. Where is he? He is found most often among his sheep. Wherever his people meet, he is in their midst, as he promised (Matt 18:20). Where the other pastors or under-shepherds are, he is there. In other words, come and listen to the Word preached. You'll not regret seeking Christ. Seek him earnestly. Ask him to teach you the meaning behind words like these
"O Jesus, King most wonderful Thou Conqueror renowned, Thou sweetness most ineffable In whom all joys are found! When once Thou visitest the heart, Then truth begins to shine, Then earthly vanities depart, Then kindles love divine."
